I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
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I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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