he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
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Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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