I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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