Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
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If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
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Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
So much Jack, so little girl.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
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