my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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