Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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