Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
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I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
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How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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