It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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