Need sex. Gaining weight.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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