I think I won the penis lottery.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize