I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
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Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
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I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
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