Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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