I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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