I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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