If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I deserve to be covered in dicks
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
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