I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
