Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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