Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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