wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
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She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
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But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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