I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
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I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
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I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize