Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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