Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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