I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
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youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
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Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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