I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
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Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
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bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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