I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
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The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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