He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
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she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
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I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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