so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
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My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
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The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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