insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
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Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just had sex on a roof
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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