The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize