Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
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I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
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Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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