my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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