Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
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I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
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I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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