so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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