Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
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You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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