Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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