I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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