i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
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i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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