He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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