he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
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Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
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Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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