I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
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I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
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I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
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