I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
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She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
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To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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