Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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