if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I will be naked everywhere
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize