remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
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the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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