you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
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He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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