Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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