I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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