I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize