you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
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Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
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Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I did not marry a roomba.
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