Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
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It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
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