I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
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I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
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